I love seeing my God Daughter learn gymnastics. Seeing how much she improved from week to week is truly a joy! Recently, her coaches started teaching her how to swing from a bar. She understands that in order to not fall to the ground she has to hold on to the bar. It is interesting that naturally, babies know how to cling to something when they are in need or in potential danger. She knows letting go at the wrong point in time would cause her to fall and not land on her feet. She knows that if she doesn't feel her mother supporting her while being held, that she has to grab and pull close to her mom so she doesn't fall. Holding on and clinging helps ensure safety and security in a lot of ways both literally and figuratively. If I hold on to the steering wheel while I am driving, I control the car, I am safe. If I hold on to the floatation device, I'll stay afloat in the pool. But what happens when choosing to hold on to something is actually causing you harm? What happens when choosing to hold on causes you to make choices that directly conflict with the will of God for your life?
I am someone who is loyal to her team. I support my people, I push them, I admonish them, I cover them, and I remain by their side as long as God has me in their life. That's a good thing! Right? On first glance, yes! The same way I am loyal to my personal relationships, I am loyal to my professional and ministry related roles and relationships. In 2016 going into 2017, I felt a lot of pull to find a new church home. I was serving, all of my friends were members there, my parter at the time served with me there, I cared for and respected my leaders, so this pull was incredibly uncomfortable and I fought it. I held on. I held on for so many reasons, most of them relationship centered. "If I leave what will happen with my girls? We literally do life and ministry together! If I leave, I will miss huge experiences with them." "My partner and I don't see one another often. If I leave, that will just make things worse." "What will leadership think of me if I leave? Will they still support me? Will this prove to have been a conditional relationship? That would hurt so bad." A combination of FOMO, denial, and wanting things to be how I desired caused me to stay for a little while longer. I feel like the image below is the exact representation of what I was experiencing!
During that season I felt incredible discomfort, frustration, tension, and even conflict on so many levels! I was sneaking and ditching obligations to visit other church services with my friend. I was fighting with my partner because he was not supportive, in the way I wanted him to be, in visiting other ministries. I would sit on my phone and completely detach from the word being presented in front of me. Mind you I sat on the 2nd/3rd row from week to week and would get caught on camera completely disengaged. (I promise I have manners, yall. Pray for me.) There were also several instances of conflict between myself and other members of the ministry I served on. I would feel physically ill at times when I would enter the sanctuary, I would feel drained. One of the ministers asked me what was happening to me. He asked what happened to the girl who was joyful, and passionate, and always aglow when it came to not just being at church, but in serving. Honestly, I felt like, I was dying spiritually. So in me making a choice to ignore the pull to leave, not only was I being disobedient, but my character was HORRIBLE during this season. Now I will say, God got to a place where He had to push me to make the move. I mean things got real wild for me, but even in the disruptions, He gave me what I needed so that I could peacefully transition. He brought me a new community of friends, while still connecting me to my friends from the previous season. He brought me a Pastor that could see my heart and wanted to pour into the gifts I had. The man I viewed as Pastor covered me and supported me in my transition out of the church, and is still a major part of my life today. And, He showed me that there were relationships I had in my previous ministry were forever things and ones that were seasonal.
Sometimes I think about the changes that I experienced when I transitioned to my new church. How my prayer language was revealed, my confidence in my prophetic gift grew, my vision became clear, my discernment increased, and I was forced from behind the curtain. No longer was it ok for me to just serve as an admin, or coordinate intake, or play the role of a support when I was called to lead, teach, and build. No longer would I sacrifice having a social life and my rest because my days off didn't require as much. I learned the beauty of disruptions, transitions, hurdles, just crappy situations all contribute to the testimony that is being created that has already blessed so many.
I say all of this to say, that sometimes letting go is exactly what you need to come back to life. Sometimes the very thing that God is requiring of us, requires us to let go of something we love deeply. Trust what God is asking of you, His plan is bigger, His plan is better.
God Loves You!
-Ivory Pearl B.
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